Condolence flowers are a popular tradition among most Christian groups, although Catholic protocol is a bit unique. When sending flowers to Catholic mourners, we may either send them to the home of the bereaved or to the funeral home, if one is being used (marked “To the funeral of …”).
like to mess with an excess of leftover flowers either, so many Protestant churches are adopting similar policies.) While a room full of flowers is a beautiful tribute to the deceased and his or her family, some experts suggest sending a bouquet to the mourners several weeks after the
funeral, when the family may be feeling particularly lonely. Others think flowers can express condolences in a way that words cannot express and should therefore be sent immediately upon learning of the death. Some friends prefer to send live plants instead of flowers so that the greenery can serve as a living reminder of the loved one. Any of these can be considerate gestures, unless the family specifies “no flowers” in the funeral announcement.
A donation to the ASPCA, for example, when the deceased never showed much affection for animals, would not be nearly as welcome as a comparable donation to the charity designated by the survivors or one to which the deceased devoted much time and effort. If no memorials are specified, a personal check sent to the family may be appreciated. This may be used to defray funeral expenses, if necessary, or be added to a memorial gift of the family’s choosing. Taking food to the home of the bereaved is another time-honored custom in many communities, although I learned recently that this is not as universal a practice as I had previously assumed. Upon learning of the death, neighbors and friends prepare dishes that can be served to the relatives and close friends who will soon gather at the home of the deceased and/or the immediate survivor(s). Sometimes this is an organized gesture, as when a group of neighbors or co-workers plan a meal together. At other times, friends drop over individually with items that can easily be served and shared. Catholic dietary restrictions should not be a factor, unless we’re bringing food on Friday. Meat is strictly prohibited only on Fridays during Lent (and Ash Wednesday), but some Catholics maintain the tradition of meatless Fridays throughout the year.
A few basic gestures can be offered and appreciated by mourners of any faith. Simply anticipating or recognizing the needs of the family and unobtrusively helping to meet them may alleviate some of the typical stress and chaos surrounding a death. For example, offering to help care for the youngest children, either at your home or the home of the bereaved, may free the parents and grandparents
to focus on other tasks. Offering to meet out-of-town visitors at the airport and/or helping to arrange for their meals and accommodations is another thoughtful gesture, especially in large and widely-scattered families. Under certain circumstances, helping to clean or tidy up the home of the deceased and/or the chief survivor(s) prior to the arrival of guests may be genuinely appreciated. Sometimes the weeks preceding death have been devoted to caring for a critically
It is not appropriate, however, to send flowers to a Catholic church with a similar notation. Why not? In Catholic churches, only a very few flowers, usually from the immediate family, are permitted. This is in keeping with the Catholic preference that religious symbolism not be overshadowed by “secular” symbols. (From a purely practical standpoint, I’m told the custodial staff typically does notIn that case, we need to respect the family’s expressed wishes. A common Catholic condolence courtesy is arranging for a Mass to be said for the soul of the deceased. Catholics can easily arrange this through their own parish or through any Catholic priest. In addition, certain religious orders routinely offer Masses for the deceased, usually providing a card with which to notify the family and a Mass request form to fill out and return. 7 Some families keep a supply of these on hand, to send in when an occasion arises. Although not mandatory, a nominal donation (five to twenty dollars) is customarily included with any Mass intention request. A person of any religion may arrange for a Mass to be said, but it may feel awkward for someone who does not share the Catholic faith. Non-Catholics may prefer to send a memorial donation to a charity or organization that they feel more comfortable supporting. This donation should be in keeping with the wishes of the deceased and or the family, however, not just one’s own church or favorite organization. ill patient and routine housework has been understandably neglected. For some, the thought of friends and relatives seeing the home in such a state causes additional stress. Others may see it as a trivial concern. With any offers of assistance, we must respect the family’s privacy and their right to accept or reject any of our suggestions.
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